This is the exciting part!

I have kids. Three of my own and two step kids. I was like most people who planned on having kids. I had tried for two years before I finally got pregnant. I was SO excited.
Zoom ahead 25 years to anyone that is considering having children and I would like to give you some tips before you walk down this road.
Tip 1: Before you have kids start out by setting your alarm to go off ever two hours for the first few months, then set it for every three hours for up to a year. While you are doing this also open your back door and throw out at least one or two paychecks a month. Don't stare at it...it is gone....this is the exciting part.
Tip2: Remember to never leave your house without packing 300 things in your car. Plan on always being late and practice arguing with your spouse every chance you get. In fact to get even more practice in leave something important behind on every trip just for fun. Keep in mind that.... this is the exciting part.
Tip3: Taper back on your sex life to almost nothing for 3 years times how many kids you would like to have. When you do finally get an opportunity to have sex make sure you stop half way leaving your spouse waiting for you. This is the exciting part!
Tip4: Randomly go around your house and break stuff. Pick things that mean nothing and things that have a lot of sentimental value. For excitement throw some of your spouses stuff out the window as your driving down the interstate to never be seen again. When they question you as to why? Pretend like you have no idea what they are talking about. Plus you need to continue throwing your paychecks out the back door. Yep...this is the exciting part.
Tip5: Buy groceries, take them home and put them directly in the garbage. Rip open all of your bags of chips or cookies and leave them open for the next guy. Parents love these kinds of stale surprises.
Tip6: Randomly send money to local doctors, dentists and hairdresser's. If you want to have girls plan on sending a paycheck to the hairdresser every 2 months.
Tip7: Drive yourself to football games, wrestling meets, basketball games, tee-ball, soccer, track , cross country and anything else that the local school has going on. Don't shy away if the weather is bad. Sit under your blanket and rain coat and remind yourself that... this is the exciting part.
Tip8: At Christmas time buy a lot of toys, spend time wrapping them then on the great day open them and have your spouse beat them all to a pulp with a baseball bat. Boy wasn't that fun!
Tip9: To plan for the teenage years slam all your doors all day long. Never fill your car with gas and drive around on empty for excitement. Double your grocery amount and then complain about how there is nothing to eat. Sigh loudly at your spouse and when asked what's wrong reply that your bored. Resume setting your alarm for the middle of the night and sit up in the dark until your eyes are burning out of your head while randomly calling your spouse  and asking them a stupid question. Like" Do I need to come home at curfew?" Wait 20 mins and do over.

If you make it through all this exciting stuff and haven't gotten divorced, became homeless or ended up in 5 east then you are ready for kids. Just don't forget...this is the exciting part!