The clock is ticking.

Mental illness runs in my family.

Depression being the main culprit for most of us. The history isn't as important as the effect is has had. I myself have trudged through years of antidepressants hoping to see the sunshine more often then the clouds.
 Three years ago I had a pretty severe back injury. I had two surgeries on my back in 5 months, 16 months of physical therapy, wore a bone stimulator belt 4 hours a day for 6 months, have had steroid spinal injections, blah, blah, blah and the damn thing still won't work right. Probably a Wal-Mart back with no extended warranty.
I suppose you think this blog is about me. It's not. It's about my best friend. The man who has walked this long unbearable road with me and some how got lost along the way. Sadly I was so stuck in my own sad life with the loss of my life as I knew it that I didn't really see the disappearance of my husband until he was truly gone.
A month ago today my husband packed a bag and walked out. Not a big bag. A sad little small bag. Even at the end he didn't have enough energy to pack a lot of stuff for himself. He walked out not because he didn't love us. He actually walked out because he loved us so much he couldn't bare to hurt us one more day. Obviously this HAS hurt me. It's pretty hard to feel abandoned and not feel hurt.
I have struggle for a month trying to understand how his depression is different then mine. Sadly it is and it has been for a very, very, very long time.
 It's not all the same that is why it is so hard to treat not to mention the times where we all feel GOOD so we figure we are cured and take ourselves off the meds just to end up throwing a full can of pop at our spouses head sometime down the road. No I wont tell you that story.
As I am trying to keep my own head above the water right now and it is truly becoming a difficult task to hold onto a life preserver for my husband in hopes that sometime soon he will actually grab it and trust that I DO have enough strength and faith to help us both climb out of shit stew we have been calling our life for a long time.
I have spent the past month watching from a very long distance as to whether he is getting the help he needs or whether I will have a cop show up on my door to give me the news that he lost the grip of that life preserver I was holding onto. Honestly at this point I don't think I would answer the door so I hope no one wants to serve me with papers anytime soon because they can all just kiss my ass at this point.... I am not answering it. I may wave at you through the glass but that door isn't opening.
He had started therapy, did see a medical doctor, did get a new type of antidepressant along with some Xanax to help him calm down before he wigs out and becomes unemployed. He has been trying but this journey took a long time to reach the bottom of the barrel so it will probably take a long time to come up for air. While I wait I can almost hear the clock ticking loudly because this illness at this stage is a race against the clock.
I'm sure some of you are saying commit him. I would love to send him to and let him rest for awhile but I don't even know where he lives right now. I also don't know where he is hiding because he has had some enlightening thought that has told him to go out in the woods and spend 3 or 4 days to become one with himself. So he is a grown man hiding in the woods....and yet I still hold this life preserver...while I tread water.
Today my arms are tired...so very tired.

Spam does not always come from a can.

I recently took the time to look at my spam file in my email. Curious what kind of crap I was being sent by whom. I was bragging to Scott about my spam being Identity theft stuff, becoming an ADT authorized dealer, lower my mortgage, or the laser spine institute! Seemingly normal spam for a normal person.Yes, I said normal.
Eventually I got down in the list and the spam became get the Bosley Hair Restoration. HUH? Obviously this person has no clue who I am and has never seen my heavy, thick hair that gives me migraines from a sad pipe-cleaner neck that doesn't always agree with holding that mop up.
Then there is some guy named Lionel Bruce that wants to make sure I achieve the perfect possibilities in bed. Unfortunately I don't think a guy with 2 first names (Lionel Bruce) is gonna teach me anything I don't already know.
Next is the lovely married but lonely.com where I can meet cheating wives locally. Hmmmmm unless those skank's want to clean the oven, scrub the bathroom floor or dust I am not really interested plus they would probably want to use my restroom and I am thinking that is a definite no-no.
The lasik institute wants to give me a holiday special which really kinda bugs me since I don't even own a pair of glasses. I do however think that my web cam is bugged since I was just discussing moving our microwave in our dining room closer to the couch in the living room since the number's have recently become blurry on the damn thing and I can't read the clock anymore from where I sit.
Lifecell wants to take years off my face with it's magic anti-aging crap and they must of been talking to Model secrets because they too have shocking wrinkle research revealed! People better watch out because I am gonna be a baby faced beauty with a 47 year old body. That should be a real eye opener.
Education hub wants me to earn my nursing degree. I am guessing no one from the laser spine center (see line 3 above) has told them I blew my back out a few years ago. Maybe I should forward education hub's email to them to stop all the confusion.
The credit card match.com has a credit card just for me which is really nice of them since I haven't held a job  in over 2 years. Some company's just know you are a good person. I am considering their offer so I can stop by premier care in bathing and check out the walk in tub that is just right for me! Not for you...Me!

Last but not least is the ultimate wines shop that has a Full-bodied & Pure 98pt Single Vineyard Brunello On Sale!  Woohoo.....I don't really know what that is because I am not a wine drinker but it looks like it is super cool since it changed my font color on it's own! 
Spam is far more exciting when it's on a computer versus's in a pan.

Snapped

I sometimes get fed up with shit. I honestly try to be a calm, level headed human being but at times I fail in this category. I would like to be one of those people that is all happy all the time, farting butterflies and leaving a trail of sparkle everywhere I go but I am not.

Secretly I actually hate my spouse, at times. Why? I don't know why. I think it is because that is how life works. Sometimes he chews to loud. Yes I said it...too loud. I sit and try to ignore it but after I have noticed it I can't just turn it off. Listening to him rumble through the container, like a little kid looking for a prize in a cereal box, then chomping away, smacking his lips, while yet another football game plays on the t.v. because that is what a wife wants to listen to all day every single Sunday of her married life. 

I look at him thinking about secretly jamming that remote up his ass as he flips from one channel to the next.... pretending to be in love with me.... when we both know that too many days together during the holidays has caused us to consider a nice stint on the show snapped. 

Could I get away with murder? I don't think so but once in awhile spouses think about that. You don't have to be fighting to have a day where you hate each other. 

It's not real hate, it's that temporary insanity kind of hate. Where you have looked at each other for too many days and the other person is kinda dumb and ugly today. 

It's the same kind of hate that show's up during long rides in a car. Where the conversation is gone because your both too tired to talk anymore and you drift off into lala land dreaming of getting out of the car before you have to listen to one more stupid song they have picked on that stupid radio station.

It's the newborn baby hate. Not for the baby but at this spouse that can't seem to ever hear a baby crying, smell a shitty diaper, or recognize when a bottle needs to be made.

Moving day hate is even worse. Those days can cause anyone to go over the deep end. I can't even look at my spouse during a move. Boxes stacked to ceiling  you can't find anything even if boxes are labeled because the spouse has piled boxes upon boxes on top of each other and doesn't care if all the boxes in the kitchen are marked garage. All you really want is that box with the knifes in it.... luckily it is no where to be found.

One of the worse fight's I ever had with my husband was over gas for the lawn mower. Yes...I almost considered jumping from a moving car just so I didn't have to listen to my husband say anymore about the lawn mower gas. I would of rather died then endured on more minute of that bullshit. What was with the lawn mower gas? I don't know. I can't remember now but it was the biggest thing's going on that day and it  almost pushed a woman to suicide. 

Bedtime arguments suck also. I hate those because both people are defiantly tired since they both went to bed but one sentence can cause an argument from hell that drones on and on. Sometimes no one can even remember why they are arguing it has gone on so long. Then there is the old "Don't go to bed mad" bullshit statement. Screw you because sometimes I am mad and I don't care if it's bed time. Bedtime can kiss my mad ass.

Scott and I argue about grilling. He some how has become a master chef of grilling. He does it right and I don't which I find amazing because I grilled for about 20 years before he came into our lives and we all survived it but now it is all wrong. Blah blah blah...yadda yadda yadda.. Whatever. I figure the grill can end up in the same place I wanted the remote to be earlier. 

The thankful thing about the temporary hate is that it goes away with a little time apart, or a kind word, a soft touch or whatever else melts your heart. I also know that I am not the only crazy biatch that feels this way. We all feel it from time to time and that's what makes the loving, getting along time so much nicer because you appreciate each other and the fact that you don't have to dig a remote out of your husband's ass to watch t.v.